Widows Gone Wild: an excerpt

Time Does Heal, With Help

 “We often hear the expression, ‘Time heals all wounds.’ Many bereaved people have a hard time believing that statement. When you are immersed in your grief, it feels like your whole world has stopped and you can’t imagine it ever going on again. As I think back on my own experience of healing, I know the sorrow can be replaced by cherished memories and you can move forward with your life after great loss. I am speaking from the perspective of the loss of a spouse. That is my experience.

“But time alone does not heal.

“If individuals who lose a loved one are unable to move through the acceptance of their loss and the adjustment of her new reality more than a year after the loss, they can be said to be suffering from complicated, or prolonged, grief. There has been an improved focus on complicated grief in the past few years, now that we know there is no real timeline for the “stages” of grief.         

After a few years of meeting together, Sunny’s group of six widow friends traveled to Mexico together. Upon arriving at their hotel, one of the women found a brochure advertising extreme adventures. Committing to try them, these intrepid adventurers went “over the edge” – of their fears, of expectations others had of them, of the darkest part of their grief – and they came out on the other side. As one of them said, they were Widows Gone Wild.

“At first, the symptoms of normal grief are similar to those of complicated grief: the deep sorrow, the difficulty accepting one’s new reality, the pain of adjustment to life alone. For most people, the shock of the loss and the intense feelings of grief gradually subside; within a year they regain resilience and are able to function effectively. They can go about their daily lives without much disruption.        

“For others, the feelings of grief do not ease and do not improve even after a long time passes. Sometimes the symptoms worsen. In prolonged grief, painful emotions are so severe and persistent that a person has a difficult time recovering. Some may find it practically impossible to resume the daily life they had before the loss. The severe sadness, which is helpful in the early grief process, becomes debilitating if it continues without end. Prolonged grief paralyzes resilience. It keeps the grieving person in a hopeless state of lingering grief. I know of two widows with complicated grief who are still suffering years after their loss. There is such a difference between normal grief and prolonged grief.   

“For those suffering from prolonged grief, I urge you to seek help. Friends and family can be your most faithful comforters, but even their tolerance and patience are not without limit. Look for a professional bereavement counselor, who will allow you the freedom to express your honest emotions and who can guide you towards healing. Several members of our grief support group sought out individual counseling in addition to the group support. Many said they could not possibly have attended group without doing some individual work first. Also, you may find healing support in your church community.

“Regardless which stage of grief you find yourself in, consider joining a bereavement group. In our grief group at the hospice, we were able to come to an acceptance of our new reality together as we shared stories and anxieties. We were able to experience the pain of our loss together. We were able to eventually talk about renewed interest and purpose in life and for some, new relationships.     

“This I know to be true: without the support of the hospice and the Younger Bereaved Spouses support group, and then the WGW [Widows Gone Wild], I would have had a much more difficult time completing my journey to resilience. I would not have healed as well if I had not acted on my own part. The world can only take so much of sympathizing with you. I found joining the hospice support group was the single most profound action I took toward my own healing in the two years following Terry’s death.      

“One dictionary defines resilience as the ability to become healthier, happy, or strong again after a problem. When do you turn the corner from grief to comfort, from sadness to acceptance, from crying at every memory to smiling that it happened? It does not happen automatically or quickly. In the illustrated children’s book, Tear Soup, that many of us found so helpful through the years, the authors wrote that Grandy, the main character, was finally able to quit cooking the tear soup and could put the rest of it in the freezer and just take out a little “or a taste” once in a while. I found this to be true, and still do years later. I am able to go back to old memories on holidays and anniversaries, linger with them a bit and then return to my current day, comforted that I have not forgotten, but have found unexpected new ways to move forward. I could continue to lead my travel groups. I could hire someone to do my taxes without freaking out. My teaching job no longer seemed daunting like it did in those first months when I had to convince myself to get out of bed every morning.     

“I have found the jigsaw puzzle of my life has changed and the old pieces no longer fit, and I shouldn’t keep trying to fit them back in the old places. I have learned to turn the new pieces over carefully and find the new me I was becoming. Happiness did not find me again: I made it happen.    

“I decided I would not be bitter that the picture of my life would never be the same. I could fit the new pieces in and marvel at the new life that I was living.”  

https://amzn.to/2Mm9qEJ [Amazon link to Widows Gone Wild]